The following is an excerpt from V. M. Metcalfe’s book Uncle Minor’s Stories. It is a humorous story of what happened at a wedding he was called to perform, which turned into a dog fight.
———
Many years ago, when I was preaching for a country church, I was often called on to marry the people in the neighborhood. Sometimes I was invited to dinner with some one, after preaching, and to my surprise I was presented with a good fee, and two loving hearts to be made one. But I did not always have smooth sailing. On one occasion I was just mounting my horse, starting for home, when I saw a man coming down the road almost in a run. I waited to see what he wanted. He came directly to me, and said that about two miles distant there was a couple of people who wanted to marry, and that they were waiting for me—everything was in readiness.
I asked him if he had the license. He handed it to me without any fee inclosed. I mounted my horse, and was soon at the place. The gentleman told me to watch out, for a big bulldog might tackle me. This made me anxious to get in the house. “We must not go in the front way; we must ride around the back way, and hitch our horses to the old ashhopper.” He said he did this to keep the neighbors from knowing there was going to be a wedding; that it they saw me they would be suspicious, and the house was too small to hold the crowd if they knew it. The house was a log cabin, with only one room. A loft, or second story, was reached by a ladder placed behind one of the beds in the corner. This ladder, or stairs, was made of a sassafras pole split open, and small sticks placed in it for steps. As I entered the room I was surprised to find no one except an old lady and six or seven small children, all at dinner. They all left the table, the mother seating herself in the corner near a big fireplace, the children huddling close to her, some of them pulling her dress around them to cover their bare feet and arms, as though they were afraid of me.
I saw no one that looked like they wanted to marry, and nothing like a wedding-feast. On the table was some coarse cornbread, fat meat, and a big dish of greens and gravy. I spoke to the man who came with me, and asked him what this meant. He said the bride was up in the loft, and the bridegroom would be in directly. I told him he must have at least two or three witnesses, or I would not marry them. While he went to a neighbor’s, only a few hundred yards away, the bridegroom came, and went directly to the ladder and pulled up in the loft. I could hear him and his bride talking and walking on the loose planks.
In a short time the gentleman and another witness came, but with them came also a big bulldog. All things were now ready, and the groom was helping his bride down the ladder, when all at once smash! bang! went the table, dishes, meat, bread, greens, and all.
The two big bulldogs were enemies, and now they fought to see which was the stronger fellow. I never saw a more vicious dog tight in my life. The old lady was screaming at the top of her voice; the children were all crying; the bridegroom was trying to push his bride back into the loft. I had made myself as small as I could in the farthest corner of the room, but the dogs fought all over the house and under the beds, until I jumped on top of a bed with my boots on. What did I care then for dirt? I did not want to be dog-bitten.
The situation was a serious one. The dogs at last were parted. By the time they were through chewing the necks and ears of each other the house and little yard were full of witnesses of all sizes and colors. But that room and that scene I will never forget. A bucket of water had been thrown on the dogs in the middle of the room, in order to part them. Here, too, were broken dishes, meat, bread, greens, and gravy. The old lady was quarreling and fussing about her dishes being broken, and the children were crying. When quiet was restored I looked around for the bride and groom. He was at the foot of the ladder, pleading with his lady-love to comedown. He was about sixty years old, dressed in black cloth; his hair was white; he wore white cotton gloves. The bride was not out of her teens, dressed in pure white. Her face had been powdered with chalk or flour until it was as white as her dress. She showed by her agitation that she as well as the rest of us was scared. As soon as they reached the center of the room I pronounced the shortest ceremony I ever did in my life, which made them man and wife. I wanted to get away from that place as quick as I could. I was amused, scared, mad, and sad. As I mounted my horse to go home the groom came out and said:
“I say, Parson, how much do you charge me?”
“Nothing at all!”
“Much obliged to you, Parson. I will give you a load of wood sometime when I come to town.”
Up to this date I have never received any wood from him.
And now I have told you a long story, and a very serious one to me at the time the dogs were fighting. What is the lesson? Never let bulldogs follow you to church or to a wedding; young girls should never marry very old men; the bridegroom should always pay the preacher something.
Marriage is a very serious and solemn step in life. Think well and act wisely. Trust in God, do as he directs, and all will be well.